🔒LOCKED IN 😈

This weekend, Arizona State squared off against Iowa State in the Big 12 Championship—and the Sun Devils did more than just show up. They dominated. They took home the trophy. And while I could spend hours basking in this incredible victory, there’s something I need to get off my chest first: I fucking hate corn.

Hear me out. Corn isn’t just some innocent veggie sitting on your dinner plate. It’s a government-backed monstrosity designed to keep the flyover states locked in agricultural monotony. The more I think about it, the more I realize how much this overhyped, tooth-sticking disaster of a food pisses me off. Who honestly enjoys gnawing on those yellow kernels that wedge themselves into your molars like they’re paying rent? It’s messy, annoying, and downright impossible to eat without floss on standby.

And then there’s high fructose corn syrup, the not-so-silent killer lurking in our food supply. This so-called sweetener is a major contributor to obesity, type 2 diabetes, and liver disease. As if that weren’t enough, rising corn production—and the endless stream of corn-derived products—has been linked to climbing cancer rates in the U.S. This isn’t just about taste; it’s about our health and the health of our planet. Corn is a villain we keep letting off the hook.

My hatred of corn directly correlates with my hatred of Iowa State. I mean, come on. Who would willingly enroll in a school out in the middle of nowhere, repping a mascot that’s literally a natural disaster? A cyclone? Talk about a warning sign you shouldn’t ignore. Iowa State embodies that stagnant cornfield culture, clinging to a crop that’s as problematic as their football team’s performance was on Championship Saturday.

But you know what wasn’t stagnant or problematic? The Arizona State Sun Devils on game day. They didn’t just beat Iowa State—they took the Cyclones and spun them right back into their own corn-choked heartland 🌪️. Cam Skattebo thumped, the defense shut down those Midwestern pretenders, and the Devils came out Big 12 champions. We’re onto bigger things now—a College Football Playoff berth that puts us one step closer to solidifying our place at the top.

Before I sign off, I want to take a moment to thank every single fan who’s been with us through the highs, the lows, and everything in between. From Tempe to Tokyo, from Phoenix to Paris, the Sun Devil faithful spans the globe. Your energy fuels us. Your passion lifts us higher. Your unwavering support gives the Boyz from the South and Arizona State the fire they need to rise above all the noise—corny or otherwise.

We did it. We brought home the Big 12 title. Now, we set our sights on making even more history. Forks up, Sun Devil Nation—and let’s keep the momentum rolling. #ActivateTheValley😈

Legal disclaimer: Corn can also be referred to as a grain and a vegetable.